FICTION — Rock Ptarmigan News Service
LAKE WAPITI CAMPGROUND — A gray squirrel that has spent three summers soliciting snacks from campers closed Tuesday on a small parcel near the amphitheater after converting what county officials described as “an unusually liquid peanut position” into its first real-estate holding.
The squirrel, known informally to campground staff as Gary, acquired approximately 0.04 acre between the nature trail and a maintenance shed.
Terms of the transaction were not disclosed.
Upper Pine County assessor Denise Lang said the sale had raised several questions.
“The first question is how,” she said.
The squirrel has no known employment history.
Campers, however, have fed it crackers, peanuts, sunflower seeds, cereal, pieces of hamburger bun, popcorn, and at least one tortilla chip over multiple seasons despite posted rules prohibiting wildlife feeding.
National Park Service guidance warns that feeding wild animals can alter natural behavior, draw animals toward roads and developed areas, and lead them to depend on human food.
Lake Wapiti staff say Gary’s financial situation illustrates the point.
“Three years ago this was a normal squirrel,” said campground host Marlene Brooks. “Then people decided it was cute to hand it food, and now it apparently has assets.”
Witnesses say the squirrel first began accumulating significant stores near Sites 14 through 22.
By last fall it had established caches in several tree cavities and beneath a low retaining wall.
This spring, it was seen repeatedly transporting peanuts toward what Brooks described as “a diversified storage network.”
Campers continued feeding it.
One visitor, Thomas Reed, said he gave the squirrel half a granola bar Sunday because “it looked hungry.”
Brooks stared at Reed.
“It owns land now,” she said.
The property sale was handled by fictional real-estate agent Donna Klein, who declined to explain the financing structure.
“I represent the buyer,” Klein said. “The buyer has requested privacy.”
Asked whether a squirrel can legally execute a property contract, Klein said the transaction was “still being reviewed.”
The county treasurer separately confirmed no tax parcel has actually been transferred into a rodent’s name and asked the public not to contact the office about squirrel property law.
Nevertheless, Gary began occupying the parcel Tuesday afternoon.
Witnesses saw the squirrel chase two chipmunks from a fallen log near the supposed boundary.
One chipmunk later described the action as “classic post-closing behavior.”
Brooks again asked reporters to stop interviewing wildlife.
By Wednesday morning, campers had begun pointing out the parcel on walks.
A handmade sign appeared reading GARY’S PLACE.
Staff removed it.
“This is exactly the opposite of what we want,” Brooks said. “Feeding wildlife teaches animals to seek food from people. It can make them more aggressive, more likely to enter roads or campsites, and more dependent on developed areas.”
Gary spent most of the interview period underneath a picnic table.
At 1:20 p.m., a child offered it a cracker.
Brooks intervened before the transaction could be completed.
The squirrel then retreated to a tree carrying an entire unshelled peanut acquired earlier from an unknown source.
County assessor Lang said tax bills for the disputed parcel will continue going to the human property owner.
At approximately 4 p.m., a paper notice left near Gary’s preferred tree was found shredded into thin strips.
Brooks said the squirrel appeared to be using them as nesting material.
Officials could not determine whether this constituted receipt of notice.
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